Conclusions I have reached over the past few weeks:
1) I'm in love (or the closest I have ever been to being in love) with someone who has a girlfriend.
2) I may or may not be depressed.
3) I lack motivation for everything and cannot do homework; I cannot focus, not in the sense of I-don't-want-to but it's that I simply cannot. Like my brain refuses to work.
4) I am so afraid of everything and I want it to stop.
5) I still feel guilty over not taking 18 hours this semester, even though I know deep down it was probably for the best.
6) I KNOW for a fact that I have lots of friends who love me. But my brain can't let me actively believe that. It just keeps saying no, no, you can't ever believe that. How could you ever think you'd have friends? You're a fucking loser and nobody ever wants to spend time with you. From empirical, rational evidence set before me, I know that this cannot be the truth. But more than ever I am so paranoid that it is and I don't know what to do with it.
7) I can't. I can't handle this. I am sick of crying or wanting to cry every day. It just gets worse. And the days that are the worst are the days when I feel like I can feel nothing at all, because I'm so worried. The thoughts that cross my mind frighten me even more than ever before. Like falling off the Eiffel Tower. On purpose.
8) I've tried talking to my mum and she's being so supportive but she keeps saying maybe it's low thyroid, maybe it's something else and I just. She's being so wonderful and I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any friends or any success. I no longer know how to handle happiness.
9) I am so frightened every day. I wake up and I wonder why I am alive. I feel like I shouldn't. I never want anybody to go through this again.
10) Even more of a loser because I can't let go of the damn boy and he--I'm sorry. I just can't do anything these days.
11) GO DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK ALEX NOBODY ON THE INTERNET GIVES A SHIT. YOU'RE ANOTHER SELF-PITYING COMPLAINT BLOG. GO TO HELL.
