Dancing with tears in my eyes.

[I love Ke$ha so much...]

It is somewhat unfortunate that my relationship with you has reached a stage where I dislike everything you do on principle. I simply do not wish to feel happy for you, ever. I know this is cruel and mean and heartless and a thousand other things, but after a year of knowing nearly every detail of your life, I am so glad to be set free that I never want to return. I dislike your blog, but I read it anyway, wondering if you will ever even mention the supposed impact I have had on your life--it might have been worth it if I really had meant something to you, I suppose, although this is simply me being needy and wanting to be wanted. I hate your short story that you posted, although I have written much worse. I cannot stand the way you approach the world.

I know you have had problems and I know you are probably learning to let go of those problems, but I am sorry... I cannot feel happy for you. Ever. I feel slightly nervous living in the same city as you these days, even if I do not see you. Perhaps you must have realised by now that I was not a friend worth keeping because I have not bothered to stay in touch, because of my passive-aggressive venting online, because I am much happier now that I no longer live with you. I remain a bad friend in this situation, and I can't entirely forgive myself for the way I've probably treated you. Nonetheless, I am so glad to be out.

On a sidenote, life continues.

[in reality I just enjoy feeling sorry for myself, enjoy this feeling of restraint where I forbid myself from doing what I would like to do, I keep it up keep it up keep it up all by myself]

Change.

(Taylor Swift kick goes into high gear. Ke$haylor Swiburt lives on in my "Cheerleaders Are People Too" song, which now has a chord progression.)

No matter what I do, I feel disappointed and somewhat empty. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But everything makes me want to--I don't even know.

At least Colton and Dylan managed to cheer me up yesterday. Shopping was so much fun. Forever 21 is so huge! I'm getting afraid of turning older now, which is weird because I'm still so young, I suppose. But an eleven-year-old soprano prodigy I heard on NPR the other day put it perfectly. She said something to the effect of, "I'm afraid of becoming older because people will be less impressed by my singing ability when I am older than now, when I am younger." It was eerie how much her feelings echoed mine.

Welp. It could be worse. Really. A great deal worse.

Last sidenote: from Ram: "Stop being scared and start being awesome." That's pretty damn motivational coming from Ram, who normally doesn't really take these sorts of things "seriously." But he helped a lot the other night, and he said that he always has time to listen to me whinge even when I'm not really whingeing.

Blind.

I have listened to this song (by Ke$ha) at least sixteen times within the past two days. Majority of those plays (thirteen or so?) came yesterday. I sit in a back room at work, humming Taylor Swift songs interspersed with these Ke$ha-crazed moments. I think they should join together and create a mega electro-country superstar--Ke$haylor Swiburt, I think. Catchy. As Enrique Iglesias would say, "baby, I like it."

This is an entry to say nothing but the fact that I have been a moody teenager. I have sort of "broken up" with Seth, although we were never officially together so I have not really seen it as a break-up. It's been slightly dramatic and, if I am perfectly honest, I simply don't know how I feel about it. Half of me does, in fact, want to be his girlfriend, and I wish I could be there for him in the capacity that he desires. I do like him a lot (still). Having said this, the other half of me simply wishes he would get over his self-pitying stages (i.e. for the love of God please do not whine about how your friends have abandoned you on Facebook, specifically because you still have friends and because I have told you I still want to be your friend and hang out with you. He hasn't taken this news well and I must admit that I remain a little surprised by this fact, probably because I've never really broken up with someone who had an interest in me. My two previous "relationships" were the first time I went out with Seth (when he broke up with me) and, in high school, my awkward "thing" with Ryan that wasn't even a relationship. I told Tobin a few years ago that I wasn't interested, and he seemed very disappointed then--but I could understand that, because his was more like a massive massive crush, which is how he gets with girls. I've been there. But this feels different, and I'm not sure whether I'm comfortable with that or not.

Essentially, I know that I really just don't want a relationship now, if only because relationships make me feel awkward and I am too confused to be with somebody. I have cried, but it's my own doing. I understand none of it. However, I must admit that it's kind of nice to sprout a backbone. Although there is part of me that doesn't want to do this due to my emotional attachment, I know that it was something I needed to do. For the most part, I feel better for it, even though I sort of wish I didn't. Oh well. I suppose this is the way it goes.

I guess I just need time by myself now to figure out what I'm doing and what I want.

That's not my name.

Musical/spiritual guidance received over the past few days from:

Sufjan Stevens (solely from Illinois)*+&

The Ting-Tings (THAT'S NOT MY NAME THAT'S NOT MY NAME THAT'S NOT MY NAME THAT'S NOT MY -- NAME)^-

Taylor Swift+-&@

Ke$ha^-@

Anya Marina+-

Tristan Prettyman+-

Arcade Fire ("Neighbourhood #2, [Laika]")*&

Enrique Iglesias ("I Like It")^

Tinie Tempah

fun.*^

Anathallo*

*baroque pop

^pure, unadulterated pop

+have acoustic-y stuff

-female vocalists

&angst

@artists I probably should have outgrown or should feel more distaste for and yet I do not because I like them so much

Basically the music I've been listening to, as with my life, is a mess. But I'm sort of in love with all of this music. It's fantastic and I'm jamming out to "Great DJ" AND "You Belong with Me." It's reaching that point in summer where I think I'm going crazy or something, but that normally doesn't hit until the second month. I must be peaking early.

On the bright side, I got to see Colton and Ben earlier today! Never ever ever let's go twenty-three days without seeing one another again.

A little respect.

I have never felt so disappointed and disgusted and angry at myself as I have throughout the course of the past year or so. I thought it would go away now that summer has started... turns out that I keep destroying the things I care about.

It's summer. I shouldn't be so freaked out about everything, but today has been one miniature mental panic attack after another.

On a much happier sidenote, happy birthday Marcella!

Take me out.

Excellent night last night with the lovely Marcella and the lovely Trina!!!! It was wonderful to just hang out with girls for once and I feel very happy now.

On a rather amusing sidenote, there's this kid who goes to St. X that I know through my dad's company (he's the son of one of the ladies who works there). I've only met him twice, but the last time I saw him (September?) we discussed films, because he makes his own stuff and he loves Wes Anderson as well. (I don't know how people don't love Wes Anderson, but that's just me.) Anyway, so my parents saw him again last night and it turns out that I was his first choice for a prom date, because "all the other girls I know are really giggly and at least I have something in common with her." Huh! And I would have gone with him, too! He's really cool and loads better than most eighteen-year-old boys I know (or have known). And I was never even anyone's first choice as a prom date when I was in high school, because I had to ask Ryan to mine because he was a junior. And that was just an Awkward Thing in general.

Very amusing. Ho hum.

Like a G6.

Music I have been listening to as of late:

KE$HA ALL THE TIME
Fleet Foxes (both albums)

"Like a G6" - Far East Movement

"Falling Down" - Selena Gomez & the Scene

"Kissin U" - Miranda Cosgrove

Dog Problems - The Format

even more Ke$ha

"What the Hell" - Avril Lavigne

Adele

Ellie Goulding

Sufjan Stevens

Ke$ha (again)

NOTHING ON THIS LIST MAKES SENSE WHEN PUT TOGETHER but I really like 808 drum machines I guess

also I still have no idea what I'm doing, floundering a bit more than usual, but at least I maintained a 4.0 and my cumulative GPA is now 3.97 almost?

Guilty.

One of my male friends from high school just notified me that he'd lost his virginity over the weekend. I don't know what's weirder:

1) this notion that he's had sex when I still remember how he was at age 13 and making fun of me in art class

2) the fact that he told me

3) the fact that I'm the first girl he has told

4) the fact that I'm not actually that surprised, because it's not like this is really the first time anyone has mentioned it to me

Apparently I occupy this weird position in the bro code where I'm occasionally a female but occasionally not, so I remain a bit confused as to whether or not I am supposed to follow it. Oh well. So it goes? I dunno, it just strikes me as all being very weird. And it only just reminds me how not-ready I am for any of that.

In the sun.

I don't know what I am doing. I don't know anything that I am doing, what I want to do, how to go about it; everything seems to be in a muddle.

Perhaps I need a bit more help sussing these things out than I initially thought I needed.