Hometown glory.

sometimes I wish he would take pictures with me
or hold my hand in public
(or go out with me in public)
or stay the night in my bed, fall asleep next to me
or that he'd tell me I'm nice and that he's happy he's met me without me saying it first
that he is lucky to know me

I want this of two people and I'm not going to get it from either one of them
one because he's said he loves me but he's had a girlfriend for the past year so he's clearly Trouble
and one because he's not like that, and I guess I just have to accept that

(pardon the self-pitying tone, the past few days have been odd)

Only you.

Halcyon is brilliant. Well done, Ellie.

Fulbright and Marshall are now both (!!!) officially out of my way.
I've taken the GRE and the lit GRE. 162 verbal (89th percentile), 154 maths (60th percentile) for the normal GRE, which is okay. Better that schools look at my verbal than my maths.
No schools applied to here in the states. Oops. I should fix that.
Ram is a twatface as usual. I think he always will be. How are we friends again?
Jamie's not a twat. He's lovely.

I have good friends. I'm in a better place than I was last year.


Completely unrelated, but results from some weird online quiz:
Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present. As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks. Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them. Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves. The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.

Lover of the light.

So I just took some verbal practise GRE sections and I... scored in the 70th percentile. Which is not as well as I want to do. Definitely not as well as I want to do.
I'm taking the damned exam on Saturday. Haven't even done full-length GRE maths sections yet.
Now I'm actually terrified and I feel a bit sick.

My oh my.

The last time we had a Facebook conversation that had substance and wasn't a quick "hi what's up"/"not much, you?"/"decent" and then you not responding much was... 7 August.

And you only respond to my text messages when you want to. And you only want to hang out with me after hanging out with your girlfriend, keeping your plans with me a secret and past midnight. Shady if I ever saw it. Alternatively, you stand me up, but tell me I'm one of the most important people in your life, that your happiness is "dependent" on mine, and that you have strong feelings for me. Then you try to use me for sex. Then you tell me it won't happen again.

I'm not buying your lies anymore. I have so many feelings for you, but my god, if you say you care about me, you do a very good job of proving the opposite and treating me like shit.

I know you ain't no good for me, and all the lies and the lines you fed to me
The way you kept coming back for me, like the last breath left of the air I need

Tristan puts it perfectly. Or, to be more precise: you're a cad. Stop fucking with me.

Career day.

I am upset for no good reason and I hate most things

fuck

this

shit

Sweet Afton.

Okay so it's a bad sign when I mess up and my first reaction is "punch self in face/legs." Not healthy.
Better than crying I guess? I don't even. What the fuck is my life turning into.

Once and again friend.

Today is the one-year anniversary of Osama bin Laden's death, which I don't actually care about. What strikes me about this date is that it marks one year since I realised a bunch of feelings for someone, specifically. We travelled back from a quiz bowl tournament and a night or two before, he'd been sitting next to me, but then he was in the front seat and I wanted nothing more but for him to sit next to me. And that was when I knew.

"My once and again friend, I love you like I loved you
From the beginning, and I will love you 'til the end."

Why is it that every time I speak to you my heart rate suddenly elevates and I feel like I'm having trouble breathing like I breathed in some sort of fungus and it's killing my lungs and also all of my thoughts. Why.

No stopping us.

I got a B+ on a paper I'm going to die oh fuck

Houdini.

So evidently I'm bad at listening to conversations because this is all I heard.

NICK: Where did you hear that from?
COLTON: Alex.
NICK: So you heard about Thunder from her?
ME: [suddenly aware of conversation and wondering what Nick knows about Thunder] Whaaaaaat?
COLTON: About how drunk Nick was.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhh.

I was blushing and dear god I hope I didn't give anything away.
I'm a bad person.

Seeing other people.

Accurate representation of my day:

YAY JASON MRAZ NEW ALBUM
class okay that's fine whatever
work you're a little boring okay fine
wait something happened to our video project and Colton and Ben have to re-edit stuff
oh okay that really sucks
that really sucks
okay I'm going to leave practise to hit myself and pull myself together so I don't cry in front of the team
get home from practise, cry a lot
eat
cry some more
internet
cry more
paper
sob on floor
flatmate comes in, looks at me, tries to get me to talk about my paper
I try not to cry in front of her
work on paper
other flatmate enters
"if it makes you feel any better..."
I want to cry because the only response I want to shoot back is if it makes you feel any better, I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for a number of months now
I even fucking make a weird joke and she doesn't pick up on it
like she doesn't pick up on the fact I've been depressed
so then I just outright sob and I do it a little louder than usual and nobody hears me
and I am reminded about how alone I am and how much I hate being alive

fuck

everything

again

Under the sheets.

Jesus christ go away I am fucking trying to do work I don't need to see your poodle imitation

stop ASKING ME ABOUT MY DAY it was shitty they are all shitty you should know that's the answer I'll give

please let me cry in peace and then maybe we can talk

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I hate this

I'll hold my breath.

"it's always true
except when i try to make a move on you when i'm totally not single"

did you really just tell me this

thanks for complicating my feelings

a lot

and making it known that I'm really just a second choice, an afterthought

I'd already guessed that but just...

La fête (forks and knives).

I don't even have words for feelings anymore

just a massive black hole of suck

fuck fuck fuck

STOP WHINING ALEX

Life is wonderful.

The highlight of my evening was you calling me "ma cherie" again. I am glad to be your cherie, and will gladly be so for as long as you will call me such.

You make me dizzy.

Love for a child.

The guy who wrote all the mean stuff on my Creative Writing story died earlier last month. I was upset but it was like I couldn't process it, like I kept expecting him to say "hey, I've been hiding out in Bermuda all this time."

Today I discovered that he shot himself.

I feel nothing. And I wish I could.

Perth.

I made a NYE not to complain about my life on the internet but I can't take it anymore and I just need a small outlet where I can VENT for a moment or two.

Conclusions I have reached over the past few weeks:

1) I'm in love (or the closest I have ever been to being in love) with someone who has a girlfriend.

2) I may or may not be depressed.

3) I lack motivation for everything and cannot do homework; I cannot focus, not in the sense of I-don't-want-to but it's that I simply cannot. Like my brain refuses to work.

4) I am so afraid of everything and I want it to stop.

5) I still feel guilty over not taking 18 hours this semester, even though I know deep down it was probably for the best.

6) I KNOW for a fact that I have lots of friends who love me. But my brain can't let me actively believe that. It just keeps saying no, no, you can't ever believe that. How could you ever think you'd have friends? You're a fucking loser and nobody ever wants to spend time with you. From empirical, rational evidence set before me, I know that this cannot be the truth. But more than ever I am so paranoid that it is and I don't know what to do with it.

7) I can't. I can't handle this. I am sick of crying or wanting to cry every day. It just gets worse. And the days that are the worst are the days when I feel like I can feel nothing at all, because I'm so worried. The thoughts that cross my mind frighten me even more than ever before. Like falling off the Eiffel Tower. On purpose.

8) I've tried talking to my mum and she's being so supportive but she keeps saying maybe it's low thyroid, maybe it's something else and I just. She's being so wonderful and I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any friends or any success. I no longer know how to handle happiness.

9) I am so frightened every day. I wake up and I wonder why I am alive. I feel like I shouldn't. I never want anybody to go through this again.

10) Even more of a loser because I can't let go of the damn boy and he--I'm sorry. I just can't do anything these days.

11) GO DO YOUR FUCKING HOMEWORK ALEX NOBODY ON THE INTERNET GIVES A SHIT. YOU'RE ANOTHER SELF-PITYING COMPLAINT BLOG. GO TO HELL.