sometimes I wish he would take pictures with me
or hold my hand in public
(or go out with me in public)
or stay the night in my bed, fall asleep next to me
or that he'd tell me I'm nice and that he's happy he's met me without me saying it first
that he is lucky to know me
I want this of two people and I'm not going to get it from either one of them
one because he's said he loves me but he's had a girlfriend for the past year so he's clearly Trouble
and one because he's not like that, and I guess I just have to accept that
(pardon the self-pitying tone, the past few days have been odd)
19 October 2012
14 October 2012
Only you.
Halcyon is brilliant. Well done, Ellie.
Fulbright and Marshall are now both (!!!) officially out of my way.
I've taken the GRE and the lit GRE. 162 verbal (89th percentile), 154 maths (60th percentile) for the normal GRE, which is okay. Better that schools look at my verbal than my maths.
No schools applied to here in the states. Oops. I should fix that.
Ram is a twatface as usual. I think he always will be. How are we friends again?
Jamie's not a twat. He's lovely.
I have good friends. I'm in a better place than I was last year.
Completely unrelated, but results from some weird online quiz:
Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present. As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks. Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them. Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves. The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.
Fulbright and Marshall are now both (!!!) officially out of my way.
I've taken the GRE and the lit GRE. 162 verbal (89th percentile), 154 maths (60th percentile) for the normal GRE, which is okay. Better that schools look at my verbal than my maths.
No schools applied to here in the states. Oops. I should fix that.
Ram is a twatface as usual. I think he always will be. How are we friends again?
Jamie's not a twat. He's lovely.
I have good friends. I'm in a better place than I was last year.
Completely unrelated, but results from some weird online quiz:
Your responses indicate that you have a normal desire to share yourself with others. However, this need is not being adequately fulfilled at present. As a result, you unconsciously attempt to treat this emptiness with momentary interests and temporary passions. If left unaddressed, this imbalance leads to impulsive behavior and unnecessary risks. Past betrayals have left you generally suspicious of others’ behavior, particularly regarding romantic relationships. You fear you may be exploited if you open yourself too fully. Consequently, you often seek some proof of a new friend’s or lover’s sincerity before you decide to trust them. Further complicating your relationships is the anxiety you have about your unfulfilled personal and professional goals. You fear that you’ve made decisions that weren’t in your own best interest, or failed to take advantage of opportunities when they presented themselves. The desire to overcome these challenges sometimes lead you to seem pushy or even arrogant. Because this competitive urge is not always apparent to others, they are often surprised by it.
26 September 2012
Lover of the light.
So I just took some verbal practise GRE sections and I... scored in the 70th percentile. Which is not as well as I want to do. Definitely not as well as I want to do.
I'm taking the damned exam on Saturday. Haven't even done full-length GRE maths sections yet.
Now I'm actually terrified and I feel a bit sick.
I'm taking the damned exam on Saturday. Haven't even done full-length GRE maths sections yet.
Now I'm actually terrified and I feel a bit sick.
My oh my.
The last time we had a Facebook conversation that had substance and wasn't a quick "hi what's up"/"not much, you?"/"decent" and then you not responding much was... 7 August.
And you only respond to my text messages when you want to. And you only want to hang out with me after hanging out with your girlfriend, keeping your plans with me a secret and past midnight. Shady if I ever saw it. Alternatively, you stand me up, but tell me I'm one of the most important people in your life, that your happiness is "dependent" on mine, and that you have strong feelings for me. Then you try to use me for sex. Then you tell me it won't happen again.
I'm not buying your lies anymore. I have so many feelings for you, but my god, if you say you care about me, you do a very good job of proving the opposite and treating me like shit.
I know you ain't no good for me, and all the lies and the lines you fed to me
The way you kept coming back for me, like the last breath left of the air I need
Tristan puts it perfectly. Or, to be more precise: you're a cad. Stop fucking with me.
And you only respond to my text messages when you want to. And you only want to hang out with me after hanging out with your girlfriend, keeping your plans with me a secret and past midnight. Shady if I ever saw it. Alternatively, you stand me up, but tell me I'm one of the most important people in your life, that your happiness is "dependent" on mine, and that you have strong feelings for me. Then you try to use me for sex. Then you tell me it won't happen again.
I'm not buying your lies anymore. I have so many feelings for you, but my god, if you say you care about me, you do a very good job of proving the opposite and treating me like shit.
I know you ain't no good for me, and all the lies and the lines you fed to me
The way you kept coming back for me, like the last breath left of the air I need
Tristan puts it perfectly. Or, to be more precise: you're a cad. Stop fucking with me.
06 July 2012
31 May 2012
Sweet Afton.
Okay so it's a bad sign when I mess up and my first reaction is "punch self in face/legs." Not healthy.
Better than crying I guess? I don't even. What the fuck is my life turning into.
Better than crying I guess? I don't even. What the fuck is my life turning into.
30 April 2012
Once and again friend.
Today is the one-year anniversary of Osama bin Laden's death, which I don't actually care about. What strikes me about this date is that it marks one year since I realised a bunch of feelings for someone, specifically. We travelled back from a quiz bowl tournament and a night or two before, he'd been sitting next to me, but then he was in the front seat and I wanted nothing more but for him to sit next to me. And that was when I knew.
"My once and again friend, I love you like I loved you
From the beginning, and I will love you 'til the end."
Why is it that every time I speak to you my heart rate suddenly elevates and I feel like I'm having trouble breathing like I breathed in some sort of fungus and it's killing my lungs and also all of my thoughts. Why.
"My once and again friend, I love you like I loved you
From the beginning, and I will love you 'til the end."
Why is it that every time I speak to you my heart rate suddenly elevates and I feel like I'm having trouble breathing like I breathed in some sort of fungus and it's killing my lungs and also all of my thoughts. Why.
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