Blinding.

Ram has a girlfriend now.

The girl who he told me all summer long he didn't like as much as me, but has apparently had something going with her dating back to April.

And I only just found out through Facebook

and them being couple-y at quiz bowl practise

and I'd sort of like to crawl into a hole somewhere and maybe cry for a very long time.

Fuck everything, honestly.

Oh God where are you now? (In Pickerel Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

Sometimes I am overcome with this awful sensation, this knowledge that I will die, and I fear it may be soon. I don't mean that I'm actively thinking of killing myself; none of that, not at all. Nor do I have some sort of congenital heart defect that will unexpectedly cut my life short. The only sort of fear I can compare it to is what they felt in sixteenth-century England, where life could end at any point. An overwhelming realisation that, at some point, I will die. I don't know when, don't know how, nor do I particularly care to know.

Mostly it is not a fear of death, but a fear of not having lived before this death. But then the fear of death prevents me from actually going out and living, keeps me inside and reading my homework, stops me from hanging out with friends.

I'm just neurotic and hormonal at this point and I know it and recognise that my hormones are spurring this entry, but even so... it frightens me that it frightens me.

Hunter.

I read theory and UNDERSTOOD IT.

HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE. I don't even...

Now to go examine vampire things or something, and then work on writing things, and feeling better about myself because I've actually been semi-productive today.

West coast.

This week has been interesting; first weeks tend to be, I suppose. Nearly all my classes are fairly bamftastic and even theory isn't scaring me as much as it really should. Haven't done enough homework, though, which is why I am sitting home on a Saturday night after bantering with my roommates and perhaps dancing around like a bit of a loon and banging on the ceiling with brooms because, like, our upstairs roommates are far too loud for their own good... or would that be for our own good? Something like that. I don't know. At any rate, I need to do homework now. Be reading Sense & Sensibility, Frankenstein, theory, short stories, vampire articles, writing my own scene, a short story or two of my own. Not ruining friendships. Might have accidentally done that earlier this week.

Oh well. Feeling of Doom has come and somewhat gone. Let's keep it gone.

Also, the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album is really good.

Sister.

[Bit of a ranty blog, please bear with me--I might be a bit hormonal, hence the emotion.]

- Seth has randomly started texting me again. It took me a while to figure out who it was, but after I contacted Marcella, it confirmed my gut instinct. He said he had "a great story idea" for me, but since it was so deep, he'd need to call me in order to explain it all. I didn't respond. Last night, he simply said, "Okay, I'll send it to you through text," and sent me about eight messages worth of this situation involving a tool bag that has been passed down from co-op student to co-op student, and he thought I could write a story about the origin of this tool bag. Hmmm. It's definitely not something I am interested in. I didn't respond again, and then today, he texted me (AGAIN) with "Hopefully, you got all of that text I sent you last night." Stop texting me. My life was fine before you came back into it. It's not fair of you to think you can revoke your friendship casually, sending me into a pit of despair and emotionality (a bit dramatic, but that's really quite how I felt for a while), and then come back a few months later and act as if nothing happened, ever. I am so done with that.

- Already the Feeling of Doom has begun. Not only have my syllabi freaked me out, but not being able to hang out with Ram really upset me for some reason. I've already started sort of "lying" to my flatmates, going out and saying that I was going to meet up with someone while really just walking around campus aimlessly for an hour, or going outside the library at ten at night in order to write in my journal because I'd rather not do it in the flat. I realise this is ridiculous, but last night, I just got so frustrated--I wanted human company, but I didn't want any human I knew or random strangers, some bizarre combination of "To Be Alone with You" versus "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"--and couldn't face a room of seven people so I just shut myself in my room and tried to go to bed at half-past eleven at night, sobbing. This is stupid. I am stupid for doing this. I was looking forward to getting out of this rut, and already I can feel myself becoming stuck in it again.

- Last.fm no longer syncs well with my iPod. Not a major thing, but still quite upsetting and/or frustrating, because now my stats are wholly inaccurate, and if there is one thing I do love, it is my stats. Perhaps it is time that I really do invest in a new iPod cord... or a new iPod, maybe, at some point... >.<

As a tl;dr, I'll just give a summary: Seth's frustrating and I want him out, I cry too much, and life sucks. TRA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Fix you.

Just read the syllabi for two of my (300-level and supposedly "easier") courses and I'm scared witless. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Maybe I'll have to drop something after all--it depends on what, though...

Also, Ram just found out he no longer has a co-op, because the company went bust and never told him until just now. This sucks beyond words and I wish I could help him somehow.

Everything positive that I've been thinking is suddenly flying out the window and I am becoming afraid of what will happen to me this term... perhaps I'm not ready to graduate even a term early after all, if I'm neurotic about these things right now. Deep breaths. It will be okay. It will all be okay...