Hold my heart.

I am sad and I am happy. I am, all at once, strung out and fearful on the mere thought of infinite failure, while retaining this bizarre, crazy hope for the future, that I will succeed.

So it goes, continually.

In bloom.

"I wanna know what you're thinking when you're lying in your bed late at night / trying to keep so still, my heart is pounding and it's trying just to keep up with the time... / for I am not yours / and you are not mine..."

Had this song circling round my mind for the last few days. I don't know quite how I feel, still. Some bits felt so right. But my problem is that not all of it felt right. There were so many things that made me feel uncomfortable that it's not even that they outweighed the good, but it really made me question whether my heart was in it. And it's not fair to string someone along, no matter how much you like them. So perhaps it is all my fault. I don't even know at this rate.

Anyway, this entry was mainly to say that I saw cute guy again yesterday. He left three books by his reading spot:
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? - George Carlin
This Side of Paradise - F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Complete Poems of John Keats
He also wrote a poem that he posted on Facebook earlier today. It's really good stuff.

Not that I want to date him date him, but I suppose this is my overarching point, however subtle or not: I've only ever been in one relationship. It's like looking at a piece of broccoli and not knowing what carrots are like. I don't want all boys to become broccoli to me, no matter how mean that sounds. I don't even know what I like besides broccoli, or how carrots will treat me, or if dating a cauliflower is the right thing for me. I do really like broccoli, but I really need to expand. Who knows? Perhaps broccoli is the best vegetable for me to fall in love with, but... there are others. I like lots of different vegetables.

That was the absolute worst analogy I have ever created, and I'm leaving it there.

Kick drum heart.

[In a much better mood...]

If you're not going to listen to me when I speak but listen to a memory instead, I guess that is really your loss. I explicitly stated what I wanted and what I didn't want several times, but I guess that doesn't really count.

It's your call on whether or not I'm worth keeping as a friend. I never intentionally meant to hurt you. I just wish that you had been a friend earlier and actually listened to what I wanted and needed. I feel like you've taken a lot out of me, and although you've tried to give it back, it's simply made me feel worse.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean I have to go back on all my feelings.

Super bass.

Evidently all I will ever be good for is hurting other people, unintentionally, through blogs or through my true ~feelings~. Perhaps it would be better for me to actually lie.

Thanks for making me feel guilty. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you and/or ignore you, but I thought I had made it clear that I was not interested in a relationship when I told you a month ago. No means no, not maybe later, not even in a little while. I remain confused because I don't know why you consider me so special, nor do I have a clue as to why you picked me. You resurfaced out of the blue into my life. Does that mean that I am supposed to do what you want me to do? I love you, but my feelings remain too convoluted for me to actually act upon them. (Split infinitive, don't care.)

This only confirms that I will never be able to last in a relationship more than six weeks. It makes me uncomfortable. Glad to know this.

(I'm just really moody now, so please ignore all this.)

She's got me dancing.

I feel better when I'm not worrying about you all the time. I'll take this as a sign that I made the right decision for my sanity. I still really like you, but trust me--if it were anything more, I'd be a nervous wreck all the time.

Also, X-Men: First Class was better the second time.

Neighbourhood #1 (tunnels).

I've got to stick up for myself more often.

I'm suffering from a minor case of writer's block, which is Not Good. On the bright side, this week has delivered some wonderful things...

- a random scholarship worth more than I ever dreamed it might be
- the opportunity to play an accordion
- X Men: First Class and a rad bromance
- a pretty top
- DOCTOR WHO OH MY GOD
- Belle & Sebastian's Dear Catastrophe Waitress and Barenaked Ladies Everything to Everyone

All in all, a solid haul.

The best day.

The things I must remember:

(1) If it's not working for one person, then it's not working for both people, and you fail at having a relationship.

(2) You got exactly what you wanted, Alex, so you have no reason to complain.

(3) If you were unhappy in a relationship and remain unhappy out of the relationship, it means that there is something wrong with YOU. You need to fix it so you can be happy out of a relationship and then happy in a relationship.

(4) You can't get possessive about someone who isn't yours.

(5) You can't seriously make a major decision like that and then change your mind so quickly. Now you're just being stupid, Alex.

(6) Your feelings are important and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Just don't be a fireball of emotion for *too* long.

(7) Ke$ha can only help with so much. The rest is up to you.

What do you do now, Alex?

I want you now.

Perhaps I have made a Huge Terrible Mistake.