Good old-fashioned lover boy.

I lied. I don't actually have a crush on Tobin; I always think I do when he's away, but I don't.

However, I know for a fact that my feelings for a certain Indian boy are getting stronger, and yet this awful quiz bowl love triangle is still in place. I don't want to break someone else's heart at the cost of my own happiness. That would be rude and mean and I like her a lot. At the same time, I know he can't love her the way he wishes he could, so I wish I could help her let go. It's all a bit tricky.

Still, space ice cream tomorrow!

Hard to concentrate.

This will be a post about boys and ~feelings,~ mostly because I'm trying to work out what to do next.

Basically, I have weird crushes on three boys. All crushes are very different from one another in ways that I shall explain right now...

Ram. I'll just admit it now, I do like him. He's become one of my closest friends and I can tell him pretty much anything and know that he's not judging me. I enjoy hanging out with him in lots of contexts, and I can't imagine life without being his friend, to be honest. We're both really awkward but we have great conversations. The only problem is, of course, the quiz bowl love triangle, which gets weirder by the day and makes me feel guilty for liking him when someone else feels more deeply, more passionately for him than I do. I wish I could make him happy. I think this is a crush of feelings, because we share a lot of them. I also don't know how we'd have a relationship, to be perfectly honest... but I'm sure we would make it work.

Jamie. This is my flail-y crush. This is the person who I hope to spot on campus every day, just out of wild hope, and then I get sad when I don't, although I should know better than to expect such. When we talked last Thursday, I basically fist-pumped the air the entire time and felt delirious and dizzy. I'm nervous for lunch on Monday, although I'm sure it will go fine. He's adorable and plays the mandolin really well and I want to get to know him better, but I have no idea where (or if) this could go, ever. He is 26. Why would he be interested in me?

And Tobin. This is my crush of souls, if that makes any sense. I haven't seen him since January (although I'm seeing him again tomorrow!!) and I don't find him particularly physically attractive. However, the way we go on and on when we talk--I've never quite met anybody like him. It's like we understand one another on a deeper level than either one of us ever expected. He actually messaged me the other day to say, "The more people I meet in this world, the more convinced I get that you're the only person who halfway understands and relates to me." And he's met a lot of people and been all over the world. I think we could have a successful relationship, but at the same time, I find it difficult to imagine myself with him in the sense of holding hands, going on dates, etc. etc. We'll see, I suppose.

Basically, I don't know what I'm doing, but RHCP are making me cry with beauty. I blame this entirely on Ram.

Tonight, not again.

I've blocked all posts from you in my Facebook feed. I don't need to see you rubbing it in my face on the internet.

I feel physically sick.

[-----]

Well, I always knew this day would come. The day you got a girlfriend that wasn't me. It's not like I thought that it would never happen and that we'd be together happily forever, because I know you and I know me, and I knew moreso this second time around that it wouldn't work out.

But really? You tried to hold onto me for so long and then, not even three weeks ago, said that you had to stop talking to me for a little while because "the keeping as a 'friend' clause is like getting a rusty stake in the heart. And if I see you with someone else, I'll probably lose it. At which case, I should probably leave," and that you still liked me. (Direct quotes.) To me, that implied that you really didn't want to see me with anyone else. But now it's okay for you to be with other people after you complained so much about setting me free?

I can't control you. I know I can't. Your life is your own, and I have no ownership or special rights over you. I don't want those. I'm just upset that you set up a double standard and became a hypocrite. I think that is the problem I have faced with you for so long: you'd say one thing and do another, and I always let you slide because of how much I liked you. It wasn't just with me, though. You did this with a lot of people, acting like their friend and then suddenly abandoning them, or being needy and then ignoring the help we tried to provide.

I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, and I wish you the best in your new ventures. I don't really know if I am feeling any real emotional pain about this; after all, it is what I wanted, to be free. It's not what you wanted. You need a girlfriend, someone willing to hold your hand in public and love you freely. I don't love anyone, and I couldn't love you the way you wanted me to, no matter how hard I tried.

I just don't know how I feel about anything involving you anymore.

When I drink.

Partyin' partyin', yeah?

The transfiguration.

I'm a little afraid of blogging these days, because it's lost me friends before. But it always has.

I am feeling happier and lighter than I have in a long time. I am free to live as I would like to live and no longer spend my nights sad and upset with myself, disgusted with my behaviour. And, thankfully, this summer does not appear to be going the route last summer went.

I miss my faraway family with every passing day, however, and wonder what the coming academic year holds.